Falling Forever
by etherealdiscord
Summary: Warning: Dark Themes. Lizzie and Gordo started going out in July, and Miranda feels like a third wheel. The Three Amigos all have to learn how to deal with the new changes, and Lizzie and Gordo must deal with the loss of a friend
1. Exodus

Disclaimers: I don't own any of the characters, except for the ones you don't regonize, and the songs are ALL Evanescence's.  
  
A/N: Miranda's POV. Song is Exodus by Evanescence. The story will get better, I'm just off to a slow start.  
  
-Part One: Miranda- -Chapter One: Exodus-  
  
My black backpack's stuffed with broken dreams  
  
I picked up my backpack. Time to head out to Hillridge High. Again. Another year in that place filled with fakes. Sophomore year. Lizzie and Gordo will no doubt be spending it making googly eyes at each other and fawning over how they finally got together. I'm happy for them, I guess. It's just, since they got together in July, I've felt like a side note. Like I wasn't important or anything. I've just been so depressed lately.  
  
20 bucks should get me through the week  
  
I put a folded up 20 in my pocket for lunch money. Should be enough for lunch and school supplies. Not that it would even matter. You know, I'd be amazed if I even made it through the year.  
  
Never said a word of discontentment Fought it a thousand times but now I'm leaving home  
  
I yelled to my mother that I was leaving. I wish it were forever, but no, just for the day. Maybe I'm suffering from depression. I honestly cannot think of a single reason that would describe how I feel.  
  
Here in the shadows I'm safe I'm free I've nowhere else to go but I cannot stay where I don't belong  
  
I walked to school in the shadows that day, alone from everyone else. I didn't belong with them. They were all happy, perky, into being at school and seeing their friends again, into living even. How can they not see what's going on around them? Even Lizzie and Gordo, my BEST FRIENDS, haven't noticed.  
  
Two months pass by and it's getting cold I know I'm not lost I am just alone But I won't cry I won't give up I can't go back now Waking up is knowing who you really are  
  
That was nearly two months ago. It's November. It never snows in Hillridge, much less gets cold, but there's like a chill hovering over me. Always. It's become part of me now. I just want to lay down and die some days. You know, go to sleep and just not wake up. It's not like anyone would even care.  
  
Here in the shadows I'm safe I'm free I've nowhere else to go but I cannot stay where I don't belong  
  
Nobody at this school gives a thought about what other people do. A girl could throw herself off the third floor stairs, break her neck, and everyone would just be like, 'oh.' Your final moments are even cliché' around here. It's like, you die, and everyone just stares at you, laughing.  
  
Here in the shadows I'm safe I'm free I've nowhere else to go but I cannot stay where I don't belong  
  
Maybe it's better that I'm alone this year? Lizzie and Gordo don't eat with me anymore, and it doesn't even bother me. I eat with this girl, I don't even know her name. We've never talked, but it just seems like we get each other somehow. Like we're going through the same thing. Sometimes she looks up from her book at me, and there's like this emptiness in her eyes, sort of like what I see when I look in the mirror. There's something deeper there, in both of us. If only I knew what it was..  
  
Show me the shadow where true meaning lies So much more is made in empty eyes 


	2. Imaginary

-Chapter Two: Imaginary- (Sage's POV)  
  
I linger in the doorway Of alarm clock screaming Monsters calling my name Let me stay Where the wind will whisper to me  
  
I looked up from my book at the Mexican girl that had been sitting with me lately. It was mid November, I figured I might as well learn her name. "Hey, who are you?" I asked in my normal direct voice. She looked at me, like she didn't know I could talk. "Miranda. You?" she asked me. Woah. That's a first. Usually when I talk to someone, they go away. I like it like that. I'll just have to try harder with Miranda.  
  
Where the raindrops As they're falling tell a story  
  
It begun to storm. Even better. I looked out the window, then back at Miranda. "Sage. So, what's your deal?" I asked her. "What do you mean, 'what's my deal?'" she asked me. So there was actually someone who didn't know? Amazing. "Why are you sitting with me, Miranda?" I asked. "Why shouldn't I?" she countered.  
  
In my field of paper flowers And candy clouds of lullaby I lie inside myself for hours And watch my purple sky fly over me  
  
"Because I'm clinically insane," I answered honestly. Her eyes grew about five sizes. "Really?" she asked. I nodded. "Yup. My parents don't have the money to send me to a real institution, so they sent me to high school. "You don't seem insane," she said. She wasn't going anywhere. "I get triggers. Something's set me off and I just go inside my own little world.  
  
Don't say I'm out of touch With this rampant chaos - your reality I know well what lies beyond my sleeping refuge The nightmare I built my own world to escape  
  
"I wish sometimes that I didn't come back from my little space outs. My world is a lot better than this one," I told her. She nodded. "It's not hard. This place sucks. So.. When you, like, have your black outs or whatever, what happens?"  
  
In my field of paper flowers And candy clouds of lullaby I lie inside myself for hours And watch my purple sky fly over me  
  
"Well, I hear voices, you know. My parents think it's because of the loneliness. My best friends abandoned me right around the time that I started hearing them. I can just have a conversation with myself for hours, it's weird, you know?" I told her. She nodded, though she seemed to be considering this deeply. "Can it happen to anyone?" she asked. "Yeah, schizophrenia can happen to anyone, why?? (Miranda's POV)  
  
Swallowed up in the sound of my screaming Cannot cease for the fear of silent nights Oh how I long for the deep sleep dreaming The goddess of imaginary light  
  
"Because I think it'd happening to me.." I told Sage. 


	3. Haunted

-Chapter Three: Haunted- (Miranda's POV)  
  
Sitting here, in English. The second week of December. They've started. Now I've got an idea on how Sage feels. Sage. I looked across the room at the red head, who was sunken down in her chair. She appeared to be humming something. Ever since she had opened up to me that day in lunch, we'd become close. Lizzie and Gordo still sat near me though, and we still talked sometimes. They didn't know about my friendship with Sage. I tried to pay attention to what Ms. Henson was writing on the whiteboard, but then I heard someone whisper my name. I looked around. No one had said it. That could only mean one thing. They were starting again.  
  
Long lost words whisper slowly to me Still can't find what keeps me here When all this time I've been so hollow inside I know you're still there  
  
It was like I was being stalked by my own voice. The scenario played out n my head like a Hollywood horror. Alone. At night. Walking home from the Digital Bean. A man appears behind me. I've even named him, Nickolas.  
  
Nickolas: Miranda.. Me: Go away.. Nickolas: Miranda.. Come here.. I know you want to... Me: Leave me alone, you aren't real! Nickolas: No Miranda, it's you who's not real!  
  
He always wants me to go with him. I asked Sage about it, and she told me if I did, I'd be gone. So I've been hanging on. Trying.  
  
Watching me wanting me I can feel you pull me down Fearing you loving you I wont let you pull me down  
  
Sometimes trying to escape yourself is the hardest though. I kept trying to focus in on the room, Sage taught me how, but I couldn't. The room wasn't anymore. It was just the dark back lots. And Nickolas was still following me.  
  
Hunting you I can smell you - alive Your heart pounding in my head  
  
I could hear his heart beat in my head. Like in that book, The Tell Tale Heart. Thump. Thump. Thump. It was enough to drive you clinically insane. And that's when it hit me. That's how Sage had become what she was today. Thump. Thump Thump. I covered my ears. I didn't know I had done this back in the room, I couldn't hear Ms. Henson yell at me. Instead, I yelled at her. "LEAVE ME ALONE!" I screamed. My vision blurred and I slammed my eyes shut. I could feel everyone staring at me. "Miss Sanchez! What is your problem today?!" Ms. Henson yelled. I hear Sage counter with "Give her a minute." I heard footsteps and someone near my desk. Heard Lizzie ask if I was okay, Gordo ask if I could hear them, and Sage tell me to concentrate.  
  
Watching me wanting me I can feel you pull me down Saving me raping me Watching you  
  
I opened my eyes and my whole English class was staring. Sage smiled her little half smile and whispered something to me. She told me what to say when Ms. Henson asked the question that she was about to. "Miss Sanchez, please explain your behavior." I looked up at Sage and nodded, then looked back at Ms. Henson. "I'm sorry, the voices made me do it. I'm clinically insane and being haunted by tormenting voices in my mind." "That was the weakest excuse I've ever heard," Ms. Henson told me. I was about to counter when Sage jumped in. "It's true. Take it from someone who knows a thing or two about being insane.." Ms. Henson took it and walked back to the front of the room, continuing the discussion on { C a t a l y s t. This would be a fun month... 


	4. Whisper

Authors Note: Never even occured to me someone might not know what schitzophrenia is. It's multiple personalities, or in my story's case, it's hearing voices in your head.  
  
-Chapter Four: Whisper-  
  
Catch me as I fall Say you're here and it's all over now Speaking to the atmosphere No one's here and I fall into myself This truth drives me into madness I know I can stop the pain if I will it all away  
  
I opened my eyes and Sage smiled at me. We were sitting on her bedroom floor. It turns out she and Lizzie lived next door to each other. When Lizzie saw me walk past her driveway she asked where I was going. When I told her, she asked me why I was friends with Sage, because Sage was such a freak. We had a big argument that somehow ended with Gordo taking my side. He said he was sorry that he'd been ignoring me this year, and he asked if I wanted to go to the Digital Bean tomorrow to catch up. I agreed, but the last thing Lizzie and I said to each other was 'I hate you!'. Now Sage was trying to teach me how to control my voices. They had become painful to have, and Sage told me to stop trying to hide from them. To fight them instead. "Okay Miranda, do you still hear them?" she asked. I nodded. She turned off the lights and lit a candle. "Go for it," she told me.  
  
Don't turn away Don't give into the pain Don't try to hide Though they're screaming your name Don't close your eyes God knows what lies behind them Don't turn out the light Never sleep never die  
  
There were more voices than just one now. And they all had names. But the worst one was the one named Miranda. She was my conscious. I looked across the hardwood floor at Sage, who was laying down now. Then I took a deep breath. Truth be told, I didn't believe that this would actually work. I'm not into all this new age meditation stuff. Sage noticed I was looking at her and sat up. "What's wrong?" she asked. What's wrong?!  
  
I'm frightened by what I see But somehow I know that there's much more to come Immobilized by my fear And soon to be blinded by tears I can stop the pain if I will it all away  
  
I told her it wasn't working. She told me there was another way to stop it, one she'd been considering. She stood up and told me she'd be right back, leaving her room. I watched my best friend go, wondering what this new way was. Somehow I knew it would work, but I also had a feeling that it would bring more pain than the voices.  
  
Don't turn away Don't give into the pain Don't try to hide Though they're screaming your name Don't close your eyes God knows what lies behind them Don't turn out the light Never sleep never die  
  
Sage stepped back into her room, holding something. When I saw what it was, my feeling was conformed. "Wanna try it Miranda? I'll go first. It will work, I promise," she told me. Then she shoved a knife into her aorta and fell to the ground, beside me, blood pouring out. She smiled weakly. "Hey, what do you know, it worked," she said. Then she was gone.  
  
Fallen angels at my feet Whispered voices at my ear Death before my eyes Lying next to me I fear She beckons me shall I give in  
  
The next day I was at school. The picture of Sage's corpse still in my head. I couldn't wait for the day to end. Because I knew that the day would be my last.  
  
Upon my end shall I begin Forsaking all I've fallen for I rise to meet the end 


	5. Hello

-Chapter Five: Hello-  
  
Authors Note: I'd like to give a big thanks to my best friend Hannah for helping me out with an issues I had while writing this chapter.  
  
I walked out of Hillridge High, the bright sun glaring at me. I began the long walk home. The roads were rather busy today, so I tried to stick to the side, alone, as always. I walked past the elementary school and smiled. All the kids were out playing, to be driven in by the rain that had begun to fall  
  
Playground school bell rings again Rain clouds come to play again Has no one told you she's not breathing? Hello I'm your mind giving you someone to talk to Hello  
  
The voices started up again, as the rain began to pound down, but it didn't matter anymore. I knew what I had to do to beat them now. Thanks to Sage, I knew. Soon it would all be over. I stepped into the road as a truck was coming by.  
  
If I smile and don't believe Soon I know I'll wake from this dream Don't try to fix me I'm not broken Hello I'm the lie living for you so you can hide Don't cry  
  
Before I knew what had happened I was on the hood of the truck, then under. The wheels began to crush me, I could feel the warm blood seeping out and my heart slowing. I didn't mutter a sound, didn't cry. It was all over. Then it hit me. This wasn't a dream.  
  
Suddenly I know I'm not sleeping Hello I'm still here All that's left of yesterday  
  
This was suicide 


	6. Even In Death

-Part Two: Lizzie- - Chapter 6: Even in Death-  
  
Give me a reason to believe that you're gone. I see your shadow so I know, That they're all wrong. Moonlight on the soft brown earth, It leads me to where you lay. They took you away from me, But now I'm taking you home.  
  
The moonlight shined down on the soft fresh soil. I still couldn't believe it. I stared at the stone embedded in the earth and read it again. 'Miranda Sanchez 1988-2005' Miranda was dead. My best friend was dead. And the last thing that I said to her was that I hated her. I wanted to blame Miranda's death on Sage, on the person driving the truck, on anyone except the person who's fault it really was. Mine. I hadn't paid any attention to my best friend all year. Now it was December 20th, the cool night air blew around me, and I continued to look at the earth. She was gone. Miranda took her life away. Away from the world, away from me. What was I supposed to do without my best friend?  
  
I will stay forever here with you, my love. The softly spoken words you gave me. Even in death our love goes on.  
  
She was my best friend, like my sister, and of course I loved her. Now that she was gone, I didn't feel complete. Without Miranda and Gordo, I knew I'd fall apart, I'd known that forever, but now with just Miranda gone I was falling apart. I missed her so much, and she had only been gone for 5 hours.  
  
Some say I'm crazy for my love, ooh my love. But no bonds can hold me, From your side, ooh my love. They don't know you can't leave me. They don't hear you singing to me.  
  
I couldn't bring myself to leave her side. I knew I had to go home. I couldn't spend forever in the Hillridge graveyard, but I also couldn't just leave Miranda under the earth. She hated worms. They'd get into her coffin. She never liked to be ignored, and I had ignored her. For six months it went on. And I couldn't even pry myself away from Gordo for two seconds to see what was happening to my best friend.  
  
I will stay forever here with you, my love. The softly spoken words you gave me. Even in death our love goes on. And I can't love you, anymore than I do  
  
Sometimes I can be such a self-absorbed jerk. Gordo tried to tell me what was happening, he noticed, but I just let it slide, calling him paranoid. But now, if only I had noticed, maybe my best friend would still be here. Maybe everything could be different. But for tonight, I wasn't leaving her side.  
  
I will stay forever here with you, my love. The softly spoken words you gave me. 


	7. Taking Over Me

-Chapter 7: Taking Me Over-  
  
You don't remember me But I remember you I lie awake and try so hard Not to think of you But who can decide what they dream? And dream I do...  
  
"Liz?" I heard a soft voice say my name. I rolled over and looked at Gordo. "You should get some sleep," he told me. "Yeah, sure.." I said. Sleep. Yeah.. Right. Normally I loved just laying there with Gordo. Both of our parents trusted us, and knew we wouldn't do anything stupid, so we were allowed to stay the night with each other, and lately Gordo had been at my house a lot. I hadn't slept since that night I spent in the graveyard. I couldn't, I knew what I'd dream of. Losing a best friend is nothing like losing a pet. Especially not a best friend who was like a part of you.  
  
I believe in you I'll give up everything just to find you I have to be with you to live to breath You're taking over me  
  
"Lizzie, I miss her to you know. But this is unhealthy. You haven't slept, you haven't eaten, you haven't said more than three words to anyone all week, it's note healthy. Your parents asked if you wanted to go to counseling, but you said know. I'm going and it's helping. You've got to deal with the fact that she's gone," Gordo told me. He was right. I had to. But I couldn't just forget my best friend.  
  
Have you forgotten all I know And all we had? You saw me mourning my love for you And touched my hand I knew you loved me them  
  
I sighed. How was I supposed to face school tomorrow if I couldn't even face Gordo tonight. What if I'm going crazy? I can't get her out of my mind, I just miss her so much.  
  
I believe in you I'll give up everything just to find you I have to be with you to live to breath You're taking over me  
  
And then something happened. I got this strange feeling inside me. It was sort of like a numb feeling. Like everything had just frozen. I had seen Miranda everywhere, but then I saw her no where. I could only feel hate and depression before, now I felt nothing. Everything was gone.  
  
I look in the mirror and see your face If I look deep enough So many things inside that are Just like you are taking over me  
  
And at that very moment I knew what had happened. I had gone emotionless. 


	8. Bring Me To Life

-Chapter 8: Bring me to Life-  
  
Authors Note: I wasn't sure how to quite make this work, so it may be a bit off, but I'm actually happy with how it turned out. Sometimes it's easiest to write while falling asleep listing to the song and dreaming a weird flash back memory movie thing. Try it sometime.  
  
I looked across the quad at the table I sat at when the weather was on our side. So many people walking around, talking, laughing, dealing with life like nothing had happened. Because it hadn't. To them it hadn't been a loss of a best friend, just another crazy suicidal classmate. But to me it had been a loss of a best friend and so much more. I slammed my books on the table and looked my boyfriend in the eyes, then looked down. I heard him sigh. "Liz.." he said.  
  
How can you see into my eyes like open doors Leading you down into my core Where I've become so numb without a soul My spirit's sleeping somewhere cold Until you find it there and lead it back home  
  
He knew. He always knew. And never knew. "Lizzie, I'm not going to let you do this to yourself," he told me. Yeah, right. "And how are you going to stop me?" I asked him.  
  
Wake me up inside Wake me up inside Call my name and save me from the dark Bid my blood to run before I come undone Save me from the nothing I've become  
  
"Lizzie, you can't just.. Reject the whole world. You have to deal with this. You're destroying yourself!" he told me. "Good," I countered.  
  
Now that I know what I'm without You can't just leave me Breath into me and make me real Bring me to life  
  
"Lizzie, c'mon. You need help," he told me. "Maybe you're the one that needs help. Our best friend kills herself and you act like it doesn't even effect you!" He looked hurt. "It effects me, but this isn't healthy."  
  
Wake me up inside Wake me up inside Call my name and save me from the dark Bid my blood to run before I come undone Save me from the nothing I've become  
  
"I'm nothing anymore, just leave me alone. I like being a hollow empty shell," I told him. He shook his head.  
  
Frozen inside without your touch without your love Darling only you are the life among the dead  
  
"I guess you aren't the girl that I knew anymore. I'm leaving. And Lizzie, don't expect me to come back until you've gotten help. I've tried, but I guess that you're beyond that now." And with that, he stood up and left. And then I knew what he met by he was leaving and not coming back.  
  
All of this time I can't believe I couldn't see Kept in the dark but you were there in front of me I've been sleeping a thousand years it seems Got to open my eyes to everything Without a thought without a voice without a soul Don't let me die here there must be something more Bring me to life.  
  
He had broken up with me. And now I was truly alone. 


	9. My Immortal

-Chapter Nine: My Immortal-  
  
I'm so tired of being here Suppressed by all of my childish fears And if you have to leave I wish that you would just leave Because your presence still lingers here And it wont leave me alone  
  
I looked at the seat next to me in English class that day. Gordo was sitting there, listening to Ms. Henson's speech on verbs. Like nothing had ever happened. Have you ever had a feeling of total loss? Like there was nothing left of you. Like you were just so depressed you were numb, couldn't feel anything, couldn't even think, even breath? I wish that I didn't have to see him. With Miranda, she was gone. But Gordo, he was still here. Right next to me.  
  
These wounds wont seem to heal This pain is just to real There's just too much that time cannot erase  
  
Before I knew it, silent tears were falling. I was truly alone for the first time. The two people that I cared most about were gone. But no, one of them was still here.  
  
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears When you'd scream I'd fight away all of you fears And I've held your hand through all of these years But you still have all of me  
  
I couldn't. I just.. I couldn't. How can people deal with this? It's so hard. Gordo looked at me and noticed that I was crying, then he turned back to his notebook and began to scribble something down.  
  
You use to captivate me By your resonating light But now I'm bound by the life you left behind Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me  
  
Gordo turned to me again and threw a note onto my desk. I opened it up and read it. 'Meet me at the Digital Bean at 8. We need to talk. - Gordo.' I pulled out a pen and wrote back 'Fine. - Lizzie' and threw it on his desk.  
  
These wounds wont seem to heal This pain is just to real There's just too much that time cannot erase  
  
I sunk down in my chair and closed my eyes, remembering.  
  
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears When you'd scream I'd fight away all of you fears And I've held your hand through all of these years But you still have all of me  
  
Remembering all the times that the Three Amigos had together. I still couldn't believe that Miranda was dead, Gordo was gone, and I was alone.  
  
I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone And though you're still with me I've been alone all along 


	10. My Last Breath

-Chapter 10: My Last Breath- (Gordo's POV)  
  
I was outside the Digital Bean, 8:00pm. The sun had already gone down. The Digital Bean would be opened for another hour though. Now I had to go meet Lizzie. Then it happened. I hear an ear shattering sound. The sound of a gun go off. I rushed into the Digital Bean, only to see a robber run out behind me. The place was empty, aside from a dead waitress behind the counter and a fallen body holding the phone. My worst fear had been conformed. (Lizzie's POV)  
  
Hold on to me love You know I can't stay long All I wanted to say was I love you and I'm not afraid Can you hear me? Can you feel me in your arms?  
  
Gordo ran over to me. "I called 911," I said proudly. "Lizzie! You're shot!" he said sounding panicked. "Well that would explain why I'm in so much pain. You know, now that it's happening, I'm dying I mean, I'm not afraid anymore," I said. He looked at me as if I wasn't making any sense and then he just held me.  
  
Holding my last breath Safe inside myself Are all my thoughts of you Sweet raptured light It ends here tonight  
  
"Lizzie, you aren't making any sense," Gordo told me. I weakly put my head on his chest. "What I'm saying is that I'm not afraid to die," I explained. "You're not going to die," Gordo lied. I shook my head sightly. "It ends here tonight," I told him. I looked outside the window. It was December. And for the first time in Hillridge, California, it was white outside. "Snow," I said.  
  
I'll miss the winter A world of fragile things Look for me in the white forest Hiding in a hollow tree (come find me)  
  
Sirens sounded about three blocks away. "They're coming, you wont die," Gordo said. He was crying. In the sixteen years I've known Gordo, I've never seen him cry. I didn't this time either. I heard it. "I love you," I whispered. "I love you too."  
  
Holding my last breath Safe inside myself Are all my thoughts of you Sweet raptured light It ends here tonight  
  
I began to close my eyes. I was tired of holding on. I was ready to go. But, I didn't want to leave him. If I did, I could see Miranda again, but if I did, I wouldn't be with Gordo any longer. I knew I was going to die, I knew I didn't have a choice. But I was more upset than scared. Sixteen years, it isn't long enough.  
  
Closing my eyes to disappear You pray your dreams will leave you here But still you wake and know the truth No one's there  
  
"Gordo? I've got to go now," I told him, no longer able to hang on. "No, you can't. I can't lose you too," he said. A tear fell from my eyes as I released it.  
  
Say goodnight Don't be afraid Calling me calling you as you fade to black  
  
My last breath. 


	11. Before The Dawn

-Part Three: Gordo- -Chapter 11: Before the Dawn-  
  
Meet me after dark again and I'll hold you I am nothing more than to see you there And maybe tonight, we'll fly so far away We'll be lost before the dawn  
  
I looked down at the two stones next to each other. Miranda Sanchez 1988- 2005 and Elizabeth McGuire 1988-2005. Both of them gone, in the course of a week. Miranda had committed suicide, but only after she had gone insane, and Lizzie had been caught in a cross fire, wrongfully shot, and died in my arms. My best friend and the person that I loved. Both gone. Forever.  
  
If only night can hold you where I can see you, my love Then let me never ever wake again And maybe tonight, we'll fly so far away We'll be lost before the dawn  
  
God, what I would give to see them again. I was always one of those people that never thought about death. A believer that only the old died, and even then they died peacefully in their sleep. Happily. But no, the young died to. They killed themselves, and they get shot. It's not worth it anymore, not worth getting up in the morning anymore. The moonlight reflected on the soft white snow, and I realized that this could not be changed. They were gone.  
  
Somehow I know that we can't wake again from this dream It's not real, but it's ours  
  
I wish I could just wake up and be able to do it all again. But this, this isn't a dream. You can't go back. Life happens and you've just got to deal with it.  
  
Maybe tonight, we'll fly so far away We'll be lost before the dawn  
  
I want to leave. Leave Hillridge and keep running, never looking back. I want to be gone. I can't stay in this place. But I have no where to run to. I'm just a sixteen year old kid.  
  
Maybe tonight, we'll fly so far away We'll be lost before the dawn  
  
And this is something I'll have to deal with. Somehow, this is the life I was given. 


	12. Lies

-Chapter 12: Lies-  
  
Bound at every limb by my shackles of fear Sealed with lies through so many tears Lost from within, pursuing the end I fight for the chance to be lied to again  
  
I looked up only to see Parker McKenzie standing over me. "You're all wet. And you're laying in the snow," she said. I closed my eyes. Parker sat beside me. "Gordo, I read about what happened. Do you wanna talk?" "No Parker, I want to lay here and die of pneumonia," I responded bitterly. Not strong enough to live anymore, not good enough to die.  
  
You will never be strong enough You will never be good enough You were never conceived in love You will not rise above  
  
"Gordo, I think you need to talk to someone," Parker tried again. God she was persistent. Maybe that's why I liked her in seventh grade. "No I don't Parker. I need to think," I told her. "About what?" she asked. "About the pain burning a hole in me and what I did to deserve it."  
  
They'll never see I'll never be I'll struggle on and on to feed this hunger Burning deep inside of me  
  
"You miss them. You didn't do anything. Stuff happens," Parker said. I opened my eyes and continued to stare at the dark sky. Will the night ever end? Will I ever see light again? Ever know happiness? The tree about me was bare and dead. Like my life. Only the tree was lucky. In spring it was reborn.  
  
But through my tears breaks a blinding light Birthing a dawn to this endless night Arms outstretched, awaiting me An open embrace upon a bleeding tree  
  
"Parker, you've got no idea what I'm going through right now. This goes way beyond missing them. I ignored Miranda and Lizzie died in my arms. I could have prevented both of them. Don't you see this is all my fault?!"  
  
Rest in me and I'll comfort you I have lived and I died for you Abide in me and I vow to you I will never forsake you  
  
Parker stood up and held out a hand. "C'mon, get up. I'm taking you to see the councilor," she said. "No. No more counseling. If I lay here long enough, then I'll wake up."  
  
They'll never see I'll never be I'll struggle on and on to feed this hunger Burning deep inside of me  
  
"This isn't a dream," Parker told me. But it couldn't be real. What did Parker McKenzie know?  
  
They'll never see I'll never be I'll struggle on and on to feed this hunger Burning deep inside of me  
  
Well, whatever she knew, she was right. It wasn't a dream. They were gone, and I'd have to deal with it myself. What a Hanukkah present, losing my best friend and my girlfriend. I hate December. 


	13. Field Of Innocence

-Chapter 13: Field of Innocence-  
  
I still remember the world  
  
From the eyes of a child  
  
Slowly those feelings  
  
Were clouded by what I know now  
  
I sat in the unconfortable chair as images flashed through my mind. Lizzie, Miranda and myself as kids, and Miranda's body, bloody and crushed, and Lizzie's body, peaceful with a big gaping hole in the middle of her chest, veins exposed, organs torn, her insides blow to pieces. Innocence was lost the night Miranda threw herself in front of the truck.  
  
Where has my heart gone  
  
An uneven trade for the real world  
  
I want to go back to  
  
Believing in everything and knowing nothing at all  
  
I wish I could just go back to elementary school where everything was so simple. When everything was bright and gold. But nothing gold can stay forever.  
  
I still remember the sun  
  
Always warm on my back  
  
Somehow it seems colder now  
  
Everything is colder now. Everything dark. I'm alone now. And nothing will ever be the same.  
  
Where has my heart gone  
  
Trapped in the eyes of a stranger  
  
I want to go back to  
  
Believing in everything  
  
I wish it were easier. I wish I could just go back to when I was younger. Before I witnessed life. Before I witnessed death.. 


	14. Going Under

-Chapter 14: Going Under-  
  
Authors Note: Contains graphic descriptions. Viewer discression advised.  
  
Now I will tell you what I've done for you  
  
50 thousand tears I've cried   
  
Screaming deceiving and bleeding for you  
  
And you still wont hear me  
  
(Going Under)  
  
Don't want your hand this time I'll save myself  
  
Maybe I'll wake up for once  
  
Not tormented daily defeated by you  
  
Just when I thought I'd reached the bottom  
  
I'm dying again  
  
"So, Mr. Gordon, when did the dreams start?" Mr. Ianzito, the school guidance councilor asked me. Somehow Parker had gotten me here. I'll give that girl credit, she's good. "The night Lizzie died," I told him. "And they've been the same every night?" he asked me. I nodded. "Always the same. Lizzie and Miranda both in my room, we're talking and laughing and putting off some English project, just like old times. It's a bright, sunny, Californian December day and life is great. Then everything fades to black and things begin to play out like in the opening credits of Ginger Snaps. Constant death scenes. Only inside of the randomness like in the opening credits, there's Miranda, under the wheel of a truck. Blood pouring out of her mouth, bones exposed from where they've been crushed, and veins sticking out of her face, because the circulation has been cut off. She's also lacking a right eye. And then there's Lizzie, laying on the floor with a bullet hole going through her stomach. Blood's pouring out, and her insides are shattered. Then she opens her eyes and gives me the finger. They both tell me they hate me.  
  
I'm going under  
  
Drowning in you  
  
I'm falling forever  
  
I've got to break through  
  
I'm going under  
  
"Then I'm sitting in the middle of the road, and rain is pouring down. I can't breath because there's so much. It's like I'm drowning. Then a voice says '50 thousand tears I've cried' Then the first part replays, only I'm behind the wheel of the truck, and I'm holding the gun. I killed them."  
  
Blurring and stirring the truth and the lies  
  
So I don't know what's real and what's not  
  
Always confusing the thoughts in my head  
  
So I can't trust myself anymore  
  
I'm dying again  
  
"You didn't kill them, you just feel guilty for some reason. Do you have any idea why?" Mr. Ianzito asked. This was going no where. "Because I should have seen it coming!" I yelled.  
  
I'm going under  
  
Drowning in you  
  
I'm falling forever  
  
I've got to break through  
  
That night I sat alone in my room. My parents were downstairs. To far away to do anything. And I, I was drowning in guilt.  
  
So go on and scream  
  
Scream at me I'm so far away  
  
I wont be broken again  
  
I've got to breath I can't keep going under  
  
I walked over to my dresser and pulled out a knife. "Lets get crazy," I said under my breath. 


	15. Tourniquet

-Chapter 15: Tourniquet-  
  
As Ginger Fitzgerald once said: Wrists are for girls, I'm cutting my throat.  
  
I tried to kill the pain  
  
But only brought more (So much more)  
  
I lay dying  
  
And I'm pouring crimson regret and betrayal  
  
I'm dying, praying, bleeding and screaming  
  
Am I too lost to be saved  
  
Am I too lost?  
  
Whoever said that death didn't hurt, or that slitting your throat was sudden death was deeply mistaking. I laid on my bed that night, blood pouring out of my wound. What had I done?  
  
My god my tourniquet  
  
Return to me salvation  
  
My god my tourniquet  
  
Return to me salvation  
  
I had slit my throat. I tried to kill my pain. But it didn't work. Now I was going to bleed to death. This wasn't instant. It was torture. I rolled over, the cut facing a mirror, and looked at my gash. it looked like a horror movie cut. But this, this wasn't a movie.  
  
Do you remember me  
  
Lost for so long  
  
Will you be on the other side  
  
Or will you forget me  
  
I'm dying praying bleeding and screaming  
  
Am I too lost to be saved  
  
Am I too lost?  
  
This past month I've been so lost. I haven't been myself at least. Who is this person I've become? Not the next Steven Spielburg, married to Lizzie and happily living in New York down the street from Miranda and her husband, like I had always though my future would be like. Or hoped.   
  
My god my tourniquet  
  
Return to me salvation  
  
My god my tourniquet  
  
Return to me salvation  
  
So here I was. Dead on my bed. Bleed to death with the parents downstairs. Never even noticed. I never shed a tear at my own death. But so many for the others. I had to let my parents know. I cried out a pathetic scream and heard footsteps coming up the stairs.  
  
My wounds cry for the grave  
  
My soul cries for deliverance  
  
Will I be denied Christ  
  
Tourniquet  
  
My suicide  
  
Then it all went black. 


	16. October

-Chapter 16: October-  
  
I can't run anymore,  
  
I fall before you,  
  
Here I am,  
  
I have nothing left,  
  
Though I've tried to forget,  
  
You're all that I am,  
  
Take me home,  
  
I'm through fighting it,  
  
Broken,  
  
Lifeless,  
  
I give up,  
  
You're my only strength,  
  
Without you,  
  
I can't go on,  
  
Anymore,  
  
Ever again.  
  
December of 2006 was a dark time four six adults. Jo and Sam McGuire, Daniella and Edward Sanchez and Howard and Roberta Gordon. The six stood at the same spot in the grave yard. Two weeks had taken their children. Two weeks. Miranda, Lizzie and Gordo had all been lost. But their deaths had all proven something. That they would truly be together; forever.  
  
My only hope,  
  
(All the times I've tried)   
  
My only peace,  
  
(To walk away from you)  
  
My only joy,  
  
My only strength,  
  
(I fall into your abounding grace)  
  
My only power,  
  
My only life,  
  
(And love is where I am)  
  
My only love.  
  
"I still can't believe we didn't see the signs," Edward said, shaking his head. "Miranda was acting strange, but I just thought it was a teenage thing." "I know what you mean Edward. We shouldn't have left David alone, we knew that there was something wrong. We should have known better," Howard said. Jo sighed. "We shouldn't have let Lizzie go to the Digital Bean that late," she said.  
  
I can't run anymore,  
  
I give myself to you,  
  
I'm sorry,  
  
I'm sorry,  
  
In all my bitterness,  
  
I ignored,  
  
All that's real and true,  
  
All I need is you,  
  
When night falls on me,  
  
I'll not close my eyes,  
  
I'm too alive,  
  
And you're too strong,  
  
I can't lie anymore,  
  
I fall down before you,  
  
I'm sorry,  
  
I'm sorry.  
  
Miranda Isabella Sanchez, Elizabeth Brooke McGuire and David Zephyr Gordon had all died December 2005. And this is where the story ends.  
  
Disclamers Glaor:  
  
I own large amounts of thanks to:  
  
The creator of Lizzie McGure  
  
Amy Lee of Evanescence for having an amazing voice  
  
Evanescence for their wonderful songs  
  
My best friend Hannah for moral support and helping me kill off Miranda  
  
My bedroom computer  
  
Ginger Snaps for the wrists line  
  
The coke company for making Vanilla Coke so sugary, giving me the energy to stay up 'till midnight typing this  
  
Fan Fiction.net  
  
The Canadian's for creating Ginger Snaps, allowing me to use some of the movie's lines  
  
Everyone that read this and review honestally 


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